Rapper's Delight

No way! You mean to tell me that 50 Cent uses steroids!? I always thought those were small Ethiopian children packed into his pectorals. Not actual human muscle mass. The man sure fooled me.

Now as for Mary J. Blidge and Wycelf Jean using “performance-enhancing drugs”, I truly was duped on that one. No wonder Wyclef has such pristine dreadlocks. That cheating bastard! To think I’ve spent the last five years rubbing cactus oil in my hair to no avail, when all I needed was a needle to the bum.

Seriously though (but not really), I’m totally confused as to the pertinence and potential impact of this news. First of all, I love how because of the incessant mentioning of steroids as “performance-enhancing drugs” in the sports world, they have now taken on this new title in every venue.

Will someone please tell me how steroids can enhance a rapper’s performance? Rumor has it that steroids shrink a man’s balls, in turn making his vocal chords vibrate more like Tweedy Bird than Isaac Hayes. Can you imagine 50 Cent boasting about how gangsta’ he is, sounding like a pre-pubescent school girl? Actually, that would be pretty damn funny. Maybe then I would actually buy his albums.

But I kid. The real reason these hip-hop icons are (apparently) popping/shooting up roids is because image is everything in American pop culture. Because we all know that a fat girl with talent gets nowhere in this country. You simply got to look good to be a pop star these days (and maybe have an inkling of talent). So that’s why the likes of 50 Cent, Wyclef, Mary J. and Timbaland have been accused of using steroids. They just want to look good.

So what? I say let them fuck up their hearts, livers, intestines and whatnot if they wish. If one can smoke a pack a day or drink a fifth a night, that person should be allowed to ruin their bodies in other ways too. And if you say that using steroids is an unfair way to build one’s body for publicity, how do you differentiate between popping roids and getting breast implants? It’s all about image.

The funniest thing that stood out to me though (in the article I read revealing this news) was how some people are predicting a backlash from fans.

Really? When was the last time one of 50 Cent’s fans gave a shit if he did something illegal? The whole foundation on which these rappers make money and accumulate fans is the exploitation of the gangsta’ lifestyle, which is rooted in illegal activity!

I can just see some impressionable teenager right now, saying, “OMG, 50 uses steroids! I can’t support him anymore. I mean, pimping hoes and slanging crack is one thing, but building unnatural amounts of muscle mass, now that’s where I draw the line!”

Please! This revelation that rappers are using steroids to enhance their physical image is non-news. If you thought 50 Cent was “all natural” in the first place, you’re an idiot. And if you think this news will shine a negative light on these rappers or the industry as a whole, you’re sadly mistaken. If T.I. can get busted for purchasing automatic weapons (and accompanying silencers) just hours before he’s supposed to perform in front of an audience of millions, and there’s no backlash, I doubt anyone will stop buying Timbaland’s records because he miraculously dropped 100 pounds without one receipt from Jenny Craig.

The only thing I’m worried about is that now stupid, naive teens will think it’s cool to start popping steroids. Think about it. Mixing steroids and unprotected sex…if this happens, I’m moving to Mars. Because even without a protective atmosphere surrounding the planet, my kids still won’t look as fucked up as a roid-baby.

*I realize this post is not directly related to sports, but due to the prevalence of steroid talk in sports media today, I figured it was worth discussing.