The Mitchell Report

I don’t understand why there’s such a hubbub about the Mitchell Report.

Were that many people truly tripped out over the revelation that prominent baseball players have used steroids? Actually, what sent my synapses spinning was that someone typed over 400 pages on the subject!

So a report covering the last 5-10 years of steroid abuse in baseball is longer than The New Testament. Apparently more guys popped roids over the last few years than Jesus dished out miracles during his whole human existence. Then again, Jesus was a lanky character. Maybe he should have let Moses inject HGH in his buttocks that one night at Esther’s birthday party. Everyone was doing it.

Anyway, the Mitchell Report is no more profound than a dog licking his own butt. It plainly states the obvious. Apparently over and over and over again. I’ve heard that Roger Clemens’ name was mentioned 83 times or something. Okay, we get the point! Roger Clemens likes it in the butt (hormone injections, that is). How much paper did this guy need to waste in order to get his message to the public.

I actually think that such a blatant waste of paper is a bigger deal than jocks using steroids. All I got to say is thank God for Adobe Acrobat and the PDF. Otherwise I would hunt George Mitchell down and shove a tree up his ass! Although I guess that would also be a waste of paper.

Back to my point. How were so many people astonished by this report? Everyone knew Barry Bonds was lying about using steroids. And we all know Sammy Sosa didn’t suffer an acute attack of sudden linguistic amnesia before he testified in front of a federal grand jury. Come on people! The truth is right in front of you. Actually, most of it’s been flushed down the toilet. And the rest is still swimming around in Mark McGwire’s forearms. But you know what I’m saying.

Baseball players have been, and will continue to use performance-enhancing drugs for a while. There’s not much we can do to stop this. If scientists figure out a way to detect the undetectable, then someone will mix a few chemicals together, and there will be a new steroid on the market.

It’s a never-ending cycle. The only way to solve this problem is to totally legalize performance-enhancing drugs so that everyone has an equal opportunity to shrink their own two balls for the sake of slapping a few hundred of someone else’s over a far away fence.