The Mitchell Report

I don’t understand why there’s such a hubbub about the Mitchell Report.

Were that many people truly tripped out over the revelation that prominent baseball players have used steroids? Actually, what sent my synapses spinning was that someone typed over 400 pages on the subject!

So a report covering the last 5-10 years of steroid abuse in baseball is longer than The New Testament. Apparently more guys popped roids over the last few years than Jesus dished out miracles during his whole human existence. Then again, Jesus was a lanky character. Maybe he should have let Moses inject HGH in his buttocks that one night at Esther’s birthday party. Everyone was doing it.

Anyway, the Mitchell Report is no more profound than a dog licking his own butt. It plainly states the obvious. Apparently over and over and over again. I’ve heard that Roger Clemens’ name was mentioned 83 times or something. Okay, we get the point! Roger Clemens likes it in the butt (hormone injections, that is). How much paper did this guy need to waste in order to get his message to the public.

I actually think that such a blatant waste of paper is a bigger deal than jocks using steroids. All I got to say is thank God for Adobe Acrobat and the PDF. Otherwise I would hunt George Mitchell down and shove a tree up his ass! Although I guess that would also be a waste of paper.

Back to my point. How were so many people astonished by this report? Everyone knew Barry Bonds was lying about using steroids. And we all know Sammy Sosa didn’t suffer an acute attack of sudden linguistic amnesia before he testified in front of a federal grand jury. Come on people! The truth is right in front of you. Actually, most of it’s been flushed down the toilet. And the rest is still swimming around in Mark McGwire’s forearms. But you know what I’m saying.

Baseball players have been, and will continue to use performance-enhancing drugs for a while. There’s not much we can do to stop this. If scientists figure out a way to detect the undetectable, then someone will mix a few chemicals together, and there will be a new steroid on the market.

It’s a never-ending cycle. The only way to solve this problem is to totally legalize performance-enhancing drugs so that everyone has an equal opportunity to shrink their own two balls for the sake of slapping a few hundred of someone else’s over a far away fence.

Whatever It Takes

Have you ever tried so damn hard to lose, that you ended up winning?
No?
Neither have I.
Losing is about as fun as an emo concert. Lots of unnecessary pain and confusion.
But I digress.

The point is that I just witnessed the Houston Rockets try valiantly to blow a nationally televised game against the Detroit Pistons. We tried so damn hard! But after 48 grueling minutes, the Rockets failed and emerged victorious.

After two straight losses in which they played more like the St. Paul Alter Boys of the U-12 Reverend’s league than an NBA team, you would think the Rockets would play up to big boy standards against Detroit.
Not exactly.

On the same day the Houston Chronicle posts an article with a Yao Ming sized chart listing every category the Rockets suck at, the team decides to up the anti. Apparently they thought 74% free throw shooting was too good. So why not add another category to that list of things they suck at.
Free throws.
How’s 27.3% for ya’? That’s 6 for 22. How clutch.
Especially considering you’re playing one of the elite teams in the league at home on national television wearing throwback jerseys to commemorate an era when short shorts frolicked and free throws fell. How do you choose such an elemental night to try and lose a game.

One might say they just weren’t trying hard enough.
I disagree.
It wasn’t just the free throws. We knew 27.3% might not be enough to lose. So we deemed it prudent to go ahead and miss a whole slew of lay-ups and easy shots as well.
I mean, if you shoot 6 for 22 from the charity line AND miss easy baskets, how can you win?
The Rockets obviously thought it would be enough to lose.

But somehow, someway, Sumner Redstone, the Rockets beat the Detroit Pistons and regained an edge in their battle against mediocrity. It’s amazing how this team works. They constantly throw their loyal fans into an emotional labyrinth of pain and confusion. Just like an emo concert.
That’s just how we roll. Better get used to it.

Welcome to the roller coaster ride that is The Houston Rockets.