Smoke On

Puff, puff, pass.

Well, maybe it should be puff, puff, catch.
Or puff, puff, sack.

Yesterday it was announced that three future NFL stars admitted to “experimenting” with marijuana at some point in their lives. Those three honest young men are wide receiver Calvin Johnson, defensive end Gaines Adams, and defensive tackle Amobi Akoye.

When the knowledge was leaked that these three guys sampled the green sticky, the media went bong over blintzes predicting how this new light would affect the three players’ draft potential.

Well, let’s see here. Before it was known that Calvin, Gaines and Amobi puffed the magic dragon, all three were predicted to be top 10 picks in next weeks draft by football guru Mel Kiper. And they still should be.

I could care less if these guys smoke weed. At least they’re not instigating bar brawls or beating their wives. Furthermore, it’s not like smoking has jeopardized these guys’ character. I don’t know them personally, but I’m pretty sure they’re all honorable citizens.

How can you criticize a guy for getting high when he graduated high school at age 15, and received a college degree by the age of 19? All while being his football team’s moral leader. I dare you to go tell Amobi Akoye that he’s a nuisance to society. That he’s a worthless pothead who’ll never amount to anything. I dare you. He’ll probably just stare you down with pity, impugn you with a vocabulary too sophisticated for you to understand, then go smoke a joint to calm himself down.

People should quit worrying about whether players smoke the oskie-woskie. Using Calvin, Gaines and Amobi as examples, smoking herb obviously hasn’t hindered their athletic performability. And nobody can claim it will stunt their growth. These guys are all ginormous. And none of them have off-the-field problems.

So let’s say we forget about whether athletes hit the bong after hitting the gym, and worry more about whether they’re ingesting steroids, or why they’re getting involved in parking lot shootouts. Because I bet the only shootout you’ll see Calvin, Gaines and Amobi get in, will involve a 60” plasma TV and Halo 3.

3,2,1...Lift Off!

The buzzer erupts with cacophonous joy.
At this signal, the jolly gentle giant cavorts to and fro like a child on Christmas morning.

An ovation ensues.
Hands clap. Feet stomp. Cheers echo. The applause of thousands thunders like a rocket lifting off.

It’s all over. But just for tonight. The real battle is about to begin. Sleepy Eyes and The Great Wall will lead Skip, Shane, Luther Vandross, Captain Kirk and The Chuck Wagon on a forty-day adventure to the homeland. Where if they all arrive in one piece, Sleepy Eyes will hoist the golden calf above his head for the world to envy.

Actually, it’s a golden basketball. And that’s what the Fellowship of the Rockets is searching for—the NBA championship trophy.

Two nights ago, the Houston Rockets defeated the Phoenix Suns for the first time in seven games, prompting the 7’6” Yao Ming to frolic across the court with glee. More importantly, the Rockets solidified home-court advantage for the first round of the playoffs against the Utah Jazz. Yao was exuberant after the game, stating that it felt like winning a playoff series.

Whoa now Yao. Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. The win did mark the Rockets best record in a decade, but we haven’t won a single playoff series since 1997. And Sleepy Eyes hasn’t ever won a playoff series.

But that is all about to change.

Yao is more dominant than ever. He has finally adopted the individualistic “me-mindset” needed to take over games. He’s aggressive. Sometimes even angry. And you don’t want to make Yao Ming angry. Because when upset, Yao grows to be 7’ tall. Oh wait, he’s already half a foot taller than that to begin with. Okay, so he can shoot lightning bolts out of his arss.

Then you got T-Mac. Arguably the most explosive offensive player in the league. He might not score as much as Kobe or Mello, but T-Mac passes like a point-guard and rebounds like a power-forward. Don’t let the sleepy eyes deceive you. When he gets hot, T-Mac has the ability to score 15 points in 30 seconds. Just ask the Spurs.

Shane Battier and Chuck Hayes take care of the intangibles, while Luther Head drops threes like birds shitting on your car. Accurate and often.

And don’t forget about New York street legend, Skip to my Lou. Rafer’s shooting ability is extremely streaky, but his ball handling skills are top notch. He’s a true court-general.

And for the dirty work, the Rockets have Dikembe Mutombo. An African warrior with the sharpest elbows this side of the Nile.

So all you skeptics beware.

Clutch City is back.

Damn Imus

“That’s some nappy-headed ho’s there, I’m going to tell you that.”

Those are the words that got Don Imus suspended from his own radio show. The comment was made in regards to the Rutgers women’s basketball team one day after their loss in the NCAA national championship game.

Imus’s remark was discriminating. Unjust. And worthy of repercussion.
But that is not why I am upset with what he said. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can be the ones to worry about racial righteousness.

I chastise Imus for many other flaws regarding his racial slur. Where do I begin…?

First of all, anyone who has their own radio show should be capable of
forming a grammatically correct sentence. “That’s some nappy-headed
ho’s…”doesn’t sound like textbook material to me. But I’ll let Imus slide on the grammar.

What I can’t excuse though, is that Imus would tease the Rutgers players
about their appearance. Have you seen what Imus looks like lately?
Sure, these girls might have nappy hair. But it’s genetics. Imus on the
other hand…well, he looks like the mutant offspring of Robert Redford
and David Bowie. Okay ladies, Redford and Bowie may have been sexy in
the seventies, but this is 2007. Mold the looks of those two with a
California raisin, and you get the idea. Imus is rocking wrinkles
longer than his hippy hairdo. But once again I’m nitpicking.

My real beef with Imus is that he doesn’t understand the Comedic Chauvinistic Code of Conduct (CCCC).

The CCCC has one cardinal rule:
1) A person may only safely discriminate against his/her own kind.
a. Hence the reason Blacks are allowed to use the word “nigger” while
whites must refrain from such language (I just had to use it to prove a
point).

So the only way Imus could have possibly made up for what he said, would have been to follow rule # 416 of the CCCC; the South Park rule.

The South Park rule states that in order to poke fun at a race, gender,
religion, etc. other than one’s own, said person must discriminate
against every possible race, gender, religion, etc. known to mankind.
This gets very tricky however, as it takes time to brew enough jokes to
go around. And I’m assuming Imus is only allotted a one-hour time slot
for his show.

So as it turns out, Don Imus will be lynched because of his inability to follow the simple rules of the CCCC.

Just kidding. Imus gets to live. But first he must be publicly humiliated by Al Sharpton.

Can I get a booster seat?

Do you hear that?
The thunderous bumping. The trembling bass.

Maybe you see it.
The spinning chrome. The shimmering diamonds.

That’s booster money.

At any major universities in the country, you will find athletes dangling iced-out watches over the steering wheel of their plush Benzes as they cruise through campus. You can’t miss it. Heads turn, and speculative whispers of who that was fill the air.

Wait a second. How is the starting running back rocking a watch worth more than his tuition if his momma is a nurse working two shifts?

Booster money.

Everybody knows it. It’s just that no one is willing to admit it. Or acknowledge it. Boosters have been paying student-athletes forever. Movies have been produced about it and jobs have been lost over it. Why doesn’t the NCAA just face facts and accept that student-athletes are getting paid to play for particular universities.

Take the Great Depression for example. Prohibition outlawed the sale and consumption of alcohol in America. But after a while, people realized it was useless to uphold prohibition, because it didn’t stop anyone from boozing. It just made doing so a little more scandalous.

The same thing goes for the war on drugs today. Billions of dollars are wasted in an attempt to stop the unstoppable. People will always use drugs. And boosters will always pay student-athletes.

So what do you say we face facts and embrace the inevitable?

There’s so much talk in the media today about whether Greg Oden and Kevin Durant should stay in school or go to the NBA.

“Stay in school and get an education.”
“No. Get paid before you get injured.”

Why can’t they do both?

If we just accept that boosters are paying student-athletes to play college ball, then these kids can have the best of both worlds. They’ll get paid AND they’ll get an education.

Of course it isn’t fair to the rest of us. But then again, neither is life.