3,2,1...Lift Off!

The buzzer erupts with cacophonous joy.
At this signal, the jolly gentle giant cavorts to and fro like a child on Christmas morning.

An ovation ensues.
Hands clap. Feet stomp. Cheers echo. The applause of thousands thunders like a rocket lifting off.

It’s all over. But just for tonight. The real battle is about to begin. Sleepy Eyes and The Great Wall will lead Skip, Shane, Luther Vandross, Captain Kirk and The Chuck Wagon on a forty-day adventure to the homeland. Where if they all arrive in one piece, Sleepy Eyes will hoist the golden calf above his head for the world to envy.

Actually, it’s a golden basketball. And that’s what the Fellowship of the Rockets is searching for—the NBA championship trophy.

Two nights ago, the Houston Rockets defeated the Phoenix Suns for the first time in seven games, prompting the 7’6” Yao Ming to frolic across the court with glee. More importantly, the Rockets solidified home-court advantage for the first round of the playoffs against the Utah Jazz. Yao was exuberant after the game, stating that it felt like winning a playoff series.

Whoa now Yao. Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. The win did mark the Rockets best record in a decade, but we haven’t won a single playoff series since 1997. And Sleepy Eyes hasn’t ever won a playoff series.

But that is all about to change.

Yao is more dominant than ever. He has finally adopted the individualistic “me-mindset” needed to take over games. He’s aggressive. Sometimes even angry. And you don’t want to make Yao Ming angry. Because when upset, Yao grows to be 7’ tall. Oh wait, he’s already half a foot taller than that to begin with. Okay, so he can shoot lightning bolts out of his arss.

Then you got T-Mac. Arguably the most explosive offensive player in the league. He might not score as much as Kobe or Mello, but T-Mac passes like a point-guard and rebounds like a power-forward. Don’t let the sleepy eyes deceive you. When he gets hot, T-Mac has the ability to score 15 points in 30 seconds. Just ask the Spurs.

Shane Battier and Chuck Hayes take care of the intangibles, while Luther Head drops threes like birds shitting on your car. Accurate and often.

And don’t forget about New York street legend, Skip to my Lou. Rafer’s shooting ability is extremely streaky, but his ball handling skills are top notch. He’s a true court-general.

And for the dirty work, the Rockets have Dikembe Mutombo. An African warrior with the sharpest elbows this side of the Nile.

So all you skeptics beware.

Clutch City is back.