Damn, damn, damn James

Simba couldn’t wait to be king.

But I bet he never dreamt of such royalty as this. Sure he was an ambitious lion, but could Simba fathom living in a bedroom larger than half the houses in his neighborhood? That’s right. Who do you know that has a bedroom alone that’s bigger than the neighbor’s entire house?

Nobody. Unless you live next to Michael Jackson. But what goes on in his bedroom is strictly between him and the boy. So besides the king of pop, who do you know that has a bedroom larger than the neighbor’s house?

Nobody. Unless you live next to LeBron James.

King James is currently building a 35,440 square-foot castle in Ohio. 35,440 square-feet! What would one human being do with so much space? Well, don’t forget that LeBron is still basically a kid at 21. So he’s got to have eleven extra bedrooms for his weekend slumber parties. And a 34’X37’ “great room” for those late night twister games.

But don’t think LeBron just built a house with a gargantuan bedroom and a six-car garage. That would be unfit for a king. I’m sure LeBron has seen MTV cribs numerous times. So you know he’s got the home theater. And when he’s done watching The Big Lebowski, LeBron can head over to his private bowling alley for a frame or two.

You’re probably thinking big deal, huh? I mean the White House has a fucking bowling alley. LeBron can do better than that.

You’re right. The man will have a barbershop and a casino inside his house. George Bush ain’t got shit on LeBron.

I don’t completely understand the reason for having a barbershop. But then again, I’m not black. Nothing racist about it. I just can’t comprehend the unconditional love between a black man and his barbershop.

On the other hand, I completely understand the reasoning behind the casino. The construction of LeBron’s new house must cost a fortune. And just in case the pennies he gets paid to play basketball won’t cover the cost, he can just invite Charles Barkley over. With Barkley’s admitted gambling problem, LeBron could pay for the house in a week. Cash money.

But what if Barkley gets lucky? The house has to pay up, right?

Yeah. But don’t forget that Nike pays LeBron James more than the GDP of the Falkland Islands just to wear their shoes (and a matching headband). Roughly $90,000,000 just to rock the swoosh. He doesn’t even have to hit a shot.

So anti up Charles. Keep the bets coming.

No wonder Simba couldn’t wait to be king.

Damn Idiots

Imagine this: Your wife leaves you and moves hundreds of miles away. For no legitimate reason. You gave her money and supported her in every way possible. Yet she left you.

You’ve never felt worse in your life.

At least until now. Until your new wife refused to adopt your long lost son.

When the Oilers divorced Houston for Tennessee, millions of hearts shattered. But the pieces were glued back together a few years later when Houston married the Texans. They were supposed to live happily ever after. But then the unthinkable happened.

What’s worse than watching your wife leave you? How about seeing your own son leave too. Better yet, how about watching your son leave to go live with your ex-wife?

Well, that’s what happened to every Houstonian in April 2006.

The ass-clowns running the Texans organizations decided to pass on picking Vince Young. The hometown hero who led the Longhorns to victory over the USC Trojans in the best football game in human history.

Instead of drafting Vince, the Texans decided to resign incumbent quarterback, David Carr. A prissy whiner who’s afraid to throw the ball farther than five yards. Apparently someone still believed the pretty boy from Fresno was the Texans’ quarterback of the future. Until last week. Yup, the Texans released Carr and signed Matt Schaub. Okay, so maybe Schaub will turn out to be pretty decent.

But how does he compare to the first rookie QB to reach the Pro Bowl since Dan Marino? How does he compare to a 6’5” freak of nature with an uncanny ability to make plays? How does he compare to the ultimate leader who somehow makes everyone around him that much better?

How the hell did the Texans not draft Vince Young?

It’s mind blowing. It’s heart wrenching. It’s pitiful.

I’ve forgiven the Oilers for blowing a 31-point halftime lead to the Bills. In the playoffs. I’ve forgiven Bud Adams for moving the Oilers to Tennessee. Just in time to reach the Superbowl.

But I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive those ass-clowns for not drafting Vince Young.

VY in a Texans uniform. Imagine that.