Simba couldn’t wait to be king.
But I bet he never dreamt of such royalty as this. Sure he was an ambitious lion, but could Simba fathom living in a bedroom larger than half the houses in his neighborhood? That’s right. Who do you know that has a bedroom alone that’s bigger than the neighbor’s entire house?
Nobody. Unless you live next to Michael Jackson. But what goes on in his bedroom is strictly between him and the boy. So besides the king of pop, who do you know that has a bedroom larger than the neighbor’s house?
Nobody. Unless you live next to LeBron James.
King James is currently building a 35,440 square-foot castle in Ohio. 35,440 square-feet! What would one human being do with so much space? Well, don’t forget that LeBron is still basically a kid at 21. So he’s got to have eleven extra bedrooms for his weekend slumber parties. And a 34’X37’ “great room” for those late night twister games.
But don’t think LeBron just built a house with a gargantuan bedroom and a six-car garage. That would be unfit for a king. I’m sure LeBron has seen MTV cribs numerous times. So you know he’s got the home theater. And when he’s done watching The Big Lebowski, LeBron can head over to his private bowling alley for a frame or two.
You’re probably thinking big deal, huh? I mean the White House has a fucking bowling alley. LeBron can do better than that.
You’re right. The man will have a barbershop and a casino inside his house. George Bush ain’t got shit on LeBron.
I don’t completely understand the reason for having a barbershop. But then again, I’m not black. Nothing racist about it. I just can’t comprehend the unconditional love between a black man and his barbershop.
On the other hand, I completely understand the reasoning behind the casino. The construction of LeBron’s new house must cost a fortune. And just in case the pennies he gets paid to play basketball won’t cover the cost, he can just invite Charles Barkley over. With Barkley’s admitted gambling problem, LeBron could pay for the house in a week. Cash money.
But what if Barkley gets lucky? The house has to pay up, right?
Yeah. But don’t forget that Nike pays LeBron James more than the GDP of the Falkland Islands just to wear their shoes (and a matching headband). Roughly $90,000,000 just to rock the swoosh. He doesn’t even have to hit a shot.
So anti up Charles. Keep the bets coming.
No wonder Simba couldn’t wait to be king.
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Well, if this isn't just the finest, most insightful bit of sports journalism I have seen in years, then I am no loyal servant in the services of the greatest of emporers, Marcus Aurelius. I am here to do your bidding great one, and to show the world your prescience, I will get on the horn right now with Sir Charles and give him 100 to 1 that you will personally transform journamalism back to journalism, so long as he places the bet in the house of the heir to airness. And if he wins, fuck it, I will win it back next year betting on Bavetta.
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